It is not usual for me write according to the daily prompts, however, I have said these very words to my children repeatedly. Please don’t forget about me, the new me, the me I was meant to be free. Therefore, this is dedicated to them.
Within the walls of pain and shame, I hid behind a masquerade of lies. Domestic violence sucked me up and deposited me in the darkest, most crippling place imaginable.
Not only me, but also my children suffered the deepest kind of pain for which I have no cure. I have no ability to remove their suffering, their misplaced guilt and shame, their hearts or their souls.
I do not have to imagine coming to the end of my life; the end rapidly approaches. I have little time to attempt to right the wrongs. I have failed them in the worst kind of way. It has been said, “It is not your responsibility to bear the full brunt of all that has occurred in their lives.” I cannot accept that statement as truth.
I am their mother. A mother’s role is to protect and nurture, not crash and burn before their very eyes. Security ripped from their trusting hands, safety far from reach, and an abundant dose of a twisted, perverted, kind of love filled most of their lives.
In January of 2012, we chose the door leading us away from that horrid existence. The only goal prevalent and revolving about me is to make up for so much lost time. I want to be there for them, love them the way they deserve to be loved, encourage them; make amends the only way I know how.
The legacy I have given is a garish hell from which there sometimes seems to be no escape. I have to, I must, at all costs, any cost, give a new legacy, one in which no one can take away. I must be sure their rightly inheritance befitting over comers, survivors, and lovers of life are well within their reach before I leave them. It is imperative to make them believe that, for without belief there is no hope and I cannot let go of the here and now having left my children without hope for a better future.
I pledge to do all within my power to mend the brokenness I have affected and allowed and to restore their birthright, the only gift I have left to give. I cannot change the past, but I can pave the way for a good future.
It is for this reason that I write every day to spill myself upon these pages so that when I am no longer with them they will be able to feel my presence as real as the life surrounding them. I never want to leave them, ever again and the only way to do that is to leave a tangible piece of myself behind.
For the sake of anonymity, I cannot post the multitude of photos I have taken in a desperate attempt to capture moments I never want them to forget. In addition, if for some reason, those things are lost, I have only the hope that the new memories far outweigh the old, a touch that can never be lost or stolen.
Teela Hart 
February 21, 2014 at 17:41
And the prayers…..
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February 21, 2014 at 17:41
Thanks for the reblog. 🙂
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February 21, 2014 at 17:39
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
WE HEAR YOU, TEELA, AND WE ASK THE MOST HIGH GOD FOR MERCY AND GRACE ON YOUR BEHALF…AND THE SAME FOR YOUR CHILDREN. 🙂
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February 16, 2014 at 18:28
…you have me in tears now…
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February 16, 2014 at 14:40
Hi Teela. Children are resilient and they often understand far more than we expect: they will know that their mother made one of the toughest choices that anyone can make (to leave an abuser) and that you did it for them. In leaving this man, you have already given your children a brighter future 🙂
Also, you are a beautiful and sincere writer – so I hope that you know that a big part of your legacy is what you are doing for survivors of abuse, right here on this blog.
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February 16, 2014 at 14:58
Thank you Triple S, you have no idea how much it means to me to be supported by you and the others here at WP.
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February 16, 2014 at 15:38
Triple S, love it! 🙂
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February 16, 2014 at 12:27
It is true that you are not to bear the burdens, by this I mean shoulder responsibility, for the violence that *was* in your home. Yes, the children witnessed and experienced it by proxy, but never forget my new, dear friend that you left. Also you realize that the violence in the home as it was has impacted them, but you are now doing what is in your power to help them recover and learn that it was NOT normal and that what they had to witness was not their fault or a reflection of who they are OR who they are destined to be.
So many mothers struggle with the guilt that they “allowed” their children to witness this violence. But who really are in your heart shows in the words you have lain down for all to see… the amount of love you have for them, unconditional and complete, dedicated and steadfast. But you need to never lose sight of one very important thing.
You LEFT. You took responsibility for your and their safety, and you reached out for another life. Now instead of assigning blame, you should focus on two things: becoming whole and healing yourself and also healing your children. You cannot change the how, who, what, and why that started their story, my dear. But you CAN change what happens now and in the future.
You are a wonderfully strong, courageous, loving woman. Once on my blog I told you that you were becoming the woman you want to be… and the proof of that is ever so evident in your words here.
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February 16, 2014 at 12:40
Thank you so much for the encouragement and support. I have never had that before. I really do not mean to belabor the point, however, I must share. I nor my children will survive if I don’t.
I am fairly certain that it would be much harder to “maintain” if it were not for people like you who are a constant support for us.
Thank you so much.
BTW I wish I could write as well as you do!
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